“Which one of you bitches is my mother?”

Four elegant, successful, and sophisticated women in their forties are called to New York’s Pierre Hotel to meet Lili — a beautiful, young, and notoriously temperamental Hollywood movie star. None of the women knows exactly why she is there; each has a reason to hate Lili and each of them is astonished to see the others.

They are old friends who share a guilty secret and who have for years been doing their best to keep that secret quiet. Their lives are changed forever, however, when Lili suddenly confronts them. When the women refuse to answer her, Lili proceeds to travel around the world through the playgrounds of the rich and famous, seeking to answer the question that has obsessed and almost destroyed her.

From Paris to London, from the boardroom to the bedroom, Lace takes the reader into the rarified world of five unforgettable women who are as beautiful, as complex and as strong as. . .lace.

This is like a soap opera! That’s the sentence that had run through my mind throughout the novel. Well technically, I thought it was like a Lifetime movie, but a soap opera is far more accurate. Exotic locales, luxurious 80s excess, and so much drama as it describes in minute detail every piece of clothing, meal, furniture, and distinctive characters that surround the women.

This novel is just “WOW!” It starts out with a bang of a prologue. Not with the infamous “Which one you bitches is my mother?” line but with 13 year old Lili having an abortion and a cup of coffee afterwards.

What a way to draw readers in, then in the ensuing 63 chapter/12 part novel, we readers are taken into the past of Judy, Kate, Maxine and Pagan in Switzerland after WW2. Judy is a working girl, trying to learn French while boarding as a waitress at a swanky hotel. The other three are rich debutantes, giggling and gossiping their way through boarding school aka how to snag a rich husband 101. Judy gives these girls a little reality check that there is more to life than only rich men, and that they should aim to have some financial indpendence of their own.

This is a very important point. As this was written in the 80s, feminism was in full force and Conran attemmpts to answer the question of whether a woman can truly have it all, a job, family, love and luxe. While the answer is yes as each woman ends up wildly successful, the suffering they have to go through makes it questionable because these women go through a lot. In fact, a prevailing theme is men suck so you better learn to become financial independent or you’re screwed.

This is not a subtle theme. Conran’s message is hammered in as the women discuss what they wished their parents had taught them when they were young-How to balance a checkbook, to learn to rely on herself, looks fade but discipline and hard work will help you live, how to get a job.

Furthermore, in each failed attempt at love, the thing that gives them purpose is their jobs, and its their job that saves them more than any Prince Charming. Maxine’s story particularly hammers this home as it’s her regaining her job is what brings her out of postpartum depression from her second child.

Of course, the book shows it’s age because for all it’s crowing that men suck (and the few good ones die), Pagan, Kate, and Maxine make men the center of their lives and decisions even wrecking Pagan and Kate’s friendship for several years because they trusted a douche over each other.

Additionally, for Judy and Kate who have especially prone to class envy and knowing what it’s like to feel needy, their ultra-successful lives feel hallow. They get so much stuff and never consider helping those less fortunate themselves, but maybe it’s just me who feels having three different apartments filled with irreplacable art collections is unhealthy. Let’s just say this is the epitome of 80s white female feminism and capitalism.

Also kinda racist. There’s one male character, Abdullah, the shah of a made up country who has several chapters to himself and it’s pretty stereotypical in that he’s the best lover in the entire world thanks to special Middle Eastern secrets where he always, always puts a woman’s pleasure before his own (hello, wish fulfillment), carries a sword with him because of assassins, he’s temptuous, anti-West, moody, and arrogant. So his characterization doesn’t break new or enlightened ground but he’s like one of the few decent men which is kinda a low bar. But even though his chapters seem unimportant, they add to the interweaving storyline of the five women and leads to a great twist.

I can’t even write about the different section of women simply because So. Much. Happens! But I will sum up that Judy is the most relatable in that she has clear ambitions in leaving her small town, and reaches for it, pivoting when her plans change and finding her niche to become magazine founder and PR expert. Also when she feels like she is losing herself in a relationship (aka becoming girly and clingy) she reasserts her control with some rope and lemon meriengue pie (oh yeah, I forgot to mention this book is racy as hell like any good soap opera).

Kate has the best arc from doormat chasing after men who reject her to finding her skill as a reporter in the middle of a war zone.

Pagan, I think, has the most thoughtful arc from having the most idyllic childhood to becoming an alcoholic and working to her recovery and regaining her relationships.

Maxine was fine. She was there, and French, but I found her arc in falling in love, and then tolerating her husband having an affair for years to be sad. Yes, she gets him to fall in love with her again, but it’s only thanks to the machinations of Judy and it just feels sad that this is her happy ending. It’s more like settling yet it’s realistic. Hence the whole men are scum theme.

The saddest arc goes to Lili. I mean, you kinda knew based on the prologue that Lili is in for a sad life so the first few chapters from her POV with her happy childhood in Switzerland with her foster family, there’s an ominous specter in the background. You know it’s going to be bad, and it delivers from the Iron Curtain to her family getting killed to the inappropriate boyfriend (who makes her pretend she’s ten when they have sex as if her being 13 wasn’t enough) to ending up as a kiddie porn actress that’s used by everyone. It just made it unenjoyable every time I reached a Lili chapter because I knew it was going to be sad and disgusting and it makes you feel disgusting.

At least the others are entertaining in a soap opera way, hers was sad especially when one finds out who her father was.

You see, while the summary makes it seem the mystery of the mother is paramount, it is quite easy to guess who it is. Now the identity of the father was the real surprise and adds another layer of eww to Lili’s story and casts the rest of the women in a dubious light. But then again, soap opera.

So what can I say about this book? It’s crazy, it’s hella entertaining, it’s racist, and sometimes backwards in what was probably empowering back then looks so wrong now. It’s eye-popping opulence and Conran’s choice to detail every single thing almost makes me want to cry because it’s so freaking much that it almost takes away from the action, but damn it’s immersive. It’s just impressive with how much it packed in too. It’s like the wildest thing I’ve read and I’d recommend it to anyone who wants a juicy escapist thing to laugh about.